


Lockstuck

by calvinballer



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-18 11:25:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2346770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinballer/pseuds/calvinballer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Our crime against criminals lies in the fact that we treat them like rascals.”<br/>-Friedrich Nietzsche</p><p>When you've hit rock bottom in life, where do you go? Do you revel in corruption... or do you change?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ENTRY ONE

**Author's Note:**

> A plotting Seer is caught by surprise.
> 
> A Sylph of weapon smuggling is placed behind bars.
> 
> A hacker with nearly Ψiioniic skill is imprisoned.
> 
> A false Witch is caught in her lies.
> 
> A conning Thief is brought into jail.
> 
> A drug-addled Bard is arrested for his Rage.
> 
> A mafia Prince is taken out of the pond.
> 
> An E%ecutor starts a new job.
> 
> A psychologist has the determination of a Knight.
> 
> A Neophyte prosecutor is condemned for her forgeries.
> 
> A would-be-Robin Hood Rogue is caught.
> 
> A Warden-to-Be contemplates her employment.
> 
> An identity thief is cursed by his Blood.
> 
> A con artist's Page strikes a deal.
> 
> A comedian's Heir works as an attorney.
> 
> A warden is known for his Doctorate.
> 
> And an assassin has all the Time in the world.

ENTRY ONE

> Be someone

It doesn't really matter WHO you end up being. Chances are that you do not want to be here.

> Be someone more specific

You are now ROSE LALONDE and you do not want to be here.

To be more specific, "here" is the Suburbia Correctional Facility, whose name you don't really like. It suggests a certain "homey" nature and harmlessness, which makes COMPLETE and TOTAL sense for a prison facility. The name has tragically fallen out of disuse, though, because the building is so rotten and decrepit that a few of the letters aren't even visible, leading to the title of the prison looking more like "Suburbia Correctional Facility," which you hear gets pronounced as "Sburb."

Of course, you find it to be a delightful and charming nickname.

Such a poorly funded prison SURELY got all your books delivered to your cell.

You are currently being escorted indoors by a very STRONG and armed guard. Despite the fact that you are handcuffed he also has a tight grip on your arm. The entire situation is made even more exquisite by the fact that he is, frankly, sweating buckets.

You are COMPLETELY and UTTERLY surprised that you are here. The minute you got caught by the police you had no idea you'd go to prison. Those lawyers your mom sent? You were blindsided by the reality that they were a passive aggressive tool used by your mother to make a statement about you. You were fooled.

And here you are. In fact, you were so fooled that you sabotaged your own defense, because you had SO MUCH CONFIDENCE in your mom's lawyers. After all, not just any fool can worm their way into the good graces of numerous gangs and mobs. If you'd had just a few more months you could've...

...

Your books had better be in your cell.

 

> Rose: Be the Prison Warden

Rose cannot be the prison warden because she is too busy being escorted to her cell! The guard has too STRONG a grip on you and there is NO WAY you can get that far. Maybe if you tried to go somewhere closer? More easily accessed?

 

> Rose: Be the cellmate

You are now KANAYA MARYAM and you do not want to be here.

You have just arrived at the so-called Sburb prison and it has somehow fallen short of your already low expectations. The cells are drafty and the beds seem to only have a few springs each. You suppose you can understand why society would hesitate to provide such a Terrible Reprobate like you with much luxury, but it would still be nice.

At the very least your cellmate looks to be interesting; her things are already here. Most of it is a collection of bizarre grimoires and (Supposedly) ancient texts on the occult. You consider your curiosity to be piqued, as you are unsure of whether to be mildly amused or very much alarmed. Your more sensible side says the former, but you have seen your fair share of strange happenings in life and feel it would be unwise to try anything risky with books like this.

Your ears suddenly catch the rattling of your cell door opening. The guard has brought your new cell mate to your shared space. She raises an eyebrow and you realize with a pang of shame that you are still sifting through her boxes.

"This Looks Very Bad, Doesn't It?"

You may be in prison, but that doesn't mean it is right to dispense of manners.

You really want to abscond right now.

 

> Kanaya: Be another prisoner

Good call. You just barely managed to avoid having to actually deal with that sticky situation.

You are now SOLLUX CAPTOR and you do not want to be here.

Your hackiing 2kiill2 finally failed you and the government does not react kindly to people breaking into their files. You are probably very lucky you were only messing around in the hospital and traffic violation records and not, say, the Pentagon. Thanks to that stroke of fortune you are not going to prison for life in a suspicious compound in South America where you may or may not have all your rights and are instead in this moderate-to-minimum security facility which you have decided to be not two bad con2iideriing.

You still would rather not be here.

Your new home is now a cramped-looking cell that you are going to have to share with someone. Personally, you find that you are plenty of company for yourself and believe that you should be considered your own cellmate. Well, not really, but you figured you had to at least try it with the judge.

You wonder who your cellmate will be. Probably some stupid upstart who wouldn't know real criminology if it slapped him in the face.

 

> Sollux: Be your cellmate

You cannot be your cellmate because he is in solitary confinement for bad behavior!

Already.

This does not bode well for him.

 

> Sollux: Be somebody else then

You are now JADE HARLEY and you do not want to be here.

You just finished unpacking all your things, few though they were, into your cell. Your trusty tarot cards sit in their rightful place on the highest shelf, you tea leaves are beside those, and your crystal ball... well, that one you weren't able to bring in. Something about breaking the glass and making a knife, as if you would do THAT. You're a PSYCHIC not a MURDERER.

Well... you're kind of a psychic.

You tried to tell yourself with a smile that it could be worse for you, but you changed your mind pretty fast. It couldn't. Did the judge and jury not consider that maybe you genuinely LIKED what you did? You weren't trying to SCAM anyone. It just... sort of... turned out that way.

Well, you don't need the crystal ball anyway. Your best predictions were always done with clouds. Okay, fine, "predictions." But it's not like you HURT anyone.

Unlike your cell mate across the room. Currently she is napping on her own cot, a heap of tussled hair and a sly grin, even in sleeping, though how she tolerates the virtually springless bed is beyond you. You've heard of what she did and she definitely deserves to be here. She's even got the nickname of Spider8iii...

Hmph. You know what? She doesn't even deserve the satisfaction of making you hate her.

 

> Jade: Be the spider

You are now SPIDER MCCOOLNAME and you are pretty much neutral about being here.

You've been living inside this room for almost a year and a half now, so you're pretty elderly as far as spiders go. You prefer to think that while you are no longer young and hip, you are wise in your old age and for a spider, that's pretty impressive. Not many spiders have had the opportunity to ruminate on the importance of building character and the fact that yes, you will get over that girl. The fact that you are that wise is... frankly, really weird. But at least you think it's cool. That's why your last name is McCoolname. That's how cool you are.

Despite the fact that you've been in this room for almost a year this is the first time any of those really big two-legs have come to stay, but as long as they don't bother you in your little corner it'll all be okay.

What will you do?

 

> No, not that spider!

Then what spider? You're the only spider who's lived in this room for years! Well, year and a half, anyway.

 

> Spider: Fine, be the Spider-Something. Jade wouldn't tell us.

Oh. Her. Uh...

Can't you be someone else? Please?

 

> Spider: Be her 

No! You shake your head vigrously and try to abscond into the shadows, away from the source of these commands.

 

> Spider: You're not scared are you?

...

You don a pair of really tiny shades and step out of the shadows.

Challenge accepted.

 

> Spider: Be her

You are now VRISKA SERKET and you do not want to be here.

At the moment, though, you are not ruminating on that. You are taking a nap. You are tired and while the ratty imitation-cadaver you're sleeping on right now isn't very comfortable, you figure it'll do for the moment.

You had soooooooo many irons in the fire before you got here. You guess they're probably still in the fire now, but how will you ever get them out???????? You'll have to get new irons and new fires, ones you can access from right here in Sburb.

While you "do not want to 8e here" and all that, you can honestly think of a worse place than this. At least you're surrounded by people. People are a very useful commodity in dangerous situations. They make good fall guys, informants, resources, almost anything! And you know all the tricks in the book. Aaaaaaaall of them!!!!!!!!

Maybe that new cell mate of yours can be first. You'll trick her into transferring herself or something. Or maybe swiping some cigarettes for you.

The fun has only just begun, after all. ::::)

 

> Vriska: Be somebody else

The fun that was only just beginning is suddenly interrupted, because you are now somebody else.

You are now GAMZEE MAKARA and you tHiNk It'S a MoThErFrIcKiN mIrAcLe ThAt YoU'rE hErE.

You're not totally sure why you're in here. It's all kind of hazy. You were talking to one of your buddies or at least you tHoUgHt he was your buddy except he wouldn't give you your money back and then he just HAD to bring your good ol' Pop into the equation saying some pretty mEsSeD uP sTuFf about him and you just got really, really mad all of a sudden and something really crazy went down and the other guy was down on the ground bleeding around, but besides that you're not too sure. Though you do get the strange feeling you did something bad enough to warrant a worse prison than Sburb. So then... it really is a fRiCkIn MiRaCle YoU'rE hErE. And not in, say, The Furthest Ring. You've heard some seriously messed up stuff about that place.

You're just chilling out on your bed, not really paying attention to, well, anything, except a tiny bit of attention your bowling pins are getting. They're hollow, and they help keep you calm, along with all the pills they've put you on to try and fix your screwed up head, so you got to hang on to them. Though if you were to try anything with them, you don't doubt that you'd get them appropriated in a matter of seconds. Place is like a prison.

Wait, that's 'cause it is. HoNk. :O)

 

> Gamzee: Be the cellmate

You are now Eridan Ampora and you do not want to be here.

You used to be king of the ocean! Metaphorically speaking, of course. But still! King! Now look at you. Being escorted into a cell by a stupid, sweaty prison guard with a bad taste in deodorant. Ugh.

Even worse, you have to share your cell with someone unworthy of you too! The moron that is already in here is lazing about, staring at his navel. No one in this prison is wworhty of evven your vvery presence!

It crosses your mind to be grateful that your lawyers at least got you out of The Furthest Ring and into here instead, but you don't care. They could've at least gotten you a cell with someone as smart as you!

"Look on my wworks ye mighty and despair," you mumble under your breath as you survey your new home. You used to be the kingpin of the Ocean Violet gang for years and at a pretty young age, to boot. Now you're just a guy in a minimum security prison without a reputation to call your own.

Ugh, you hope your lawyers can manage getting one of your aquariums in here. Or at least a fish bowl.

 

> Eridan: Be the sweaty prison guard

Ugh, anything to get away from that clown in the corner.

You are now THE SWEATY PRISON GUARD, though you prefer the term ENFORCEMENT OFFICER, especially without the "sweaty" prefix.

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK and it is your job to be here. It's your first day on the new job and you don't think it's too bad. Since you are STRONG it is not hard to keep the inmates 100% in line and while most of them seem a little % they understand that there are r001s. And rules make you feel a little safer every night.

Aside from the standard prison rules you have some of your own. Your blue uniform is good, their red ones are bad. Your honest labor is good, their dishonest deeds are bad. Your clean language is good, their slang terms are bad. In other words you are good and they are bad.

You tell yourself this every night just to get to sleep. Even though you got the transfer you wanted you still shake a lot more than you should whenever you think about what you used to do.

You suddenly freeze in the hall, the sweat pouring down your face when you think about her face. You clench your teeth until you're sure they crack and you grab at some pipe on the wall and try to breathe slower because oh gosh you can't stop thinking about how she looked and how she sounded and "AAAAGGGH!"

You blink into awareness and realize that you left a dent in the pipe when you struck it. All the prisoners are looking at you. You look about yourself and nod, trying hard to focus on calm because you are STRONG and you can control yourself. This is the job and you have orders and there are r001s.

 

> Equius: Be an inmate

WHAT?! Are your neurons %ed? Why would you ever think about committing such a %% and BEING an inmate? This place is getting to you. Maybe you should think about quitting while you're ahead... well, not ahead, but at least not too far behind whatever it is that you're supposed to be at.

Ugh, at the very least you've got to talk to Stridenasty – you mean Strider. Time to go.

 

> Equius: Be the Stridenasty

You are now Dave Stridenasty and that is totally your name.

You are in the middle of typing up and filing away some paperwork on the new inmates and personally you think that the fact that you're filling it out using SICK RHYMES makes it twice as good. You'll probably get an earful for it from the warden, but you could care less about the Doc. It was pretty epic when you did it and it's still epic right now.

Sure, working as a prison psychologist wasn't exactly what you had in mind when you were in college, but it pays the bills and it ain't so bad. You actually think you've helped a couple of people out over the years. At least you're in the minimum security Sburb instead of the max lockdown of the Furthest Ring. That place has some real wackjobs in both the inmate and staff populations and even you don't want to get involved in that.

You're just about to get started on another series of sick rhymes when Zahhak bursts into your office, sweat still pouring down his face, his expression so tense that you think his shades are breaking.

"dude zahhak are you okay?"

"D --> I am sorry one hundred thousand times for my own f001ishness, Strider."

"its cool you can talk to me whenever you want zahhak. whats wrong?"

"D --> I can't –- I can't stop –- I just don't stop thinking about the old job, being E%ecutor, about -- about --"

"about HER?"

"D --> About that 100k of PAIN, Strider. She 100ked like she was being tortured. How do I know that --"

"that thats not how it was for every other one?" you place a hand on your friend's shoulder and give it a not-so-gentle squeeze just to make sure he feels it. "zahhak. look at me. that happened ONE time and its not your fault. its not supposed to hurt and theres science to back that up."

"D --> I know. It is such f001ishness --"

"quit being so hard on yourself. hey, how about we talk in my office later today?"

"D --> That... that sounds as though it w001d be best, Strider. I just don't know if I should say or do something, or --"

"well cross that bridge when we come to it." you pat him on the back, pretty hard. He wouldn't notice it otherwise, after all. "for today we just talk. how about after lunch? that good?"

"D --> that is good, yes. Thank you, Strider." Zahhak turns to face you and offers a hand to shake. You high five him instead, just to be safe.

"no problem zahhak. stay STRONG, kay buddy?" He smiles at you and exits the office. Now you can finish filing out the rest of the paperwork. It'll probably go faster if you don't do it in rhyme, so you guess you'll ditch that for now.

> Dave: Furrow brow

Your brow is nicely furrowed. You want to be done by the end of the day because tomorrow there's a friend of yours you need to pay a little visit to.

> Dave: Be the friend

You are now Terezi Pyrope and you do not want to be here.

You believe you have even more reason than most of the people in Sburb because as an ex-prosecutor you are pretty sure you're the reason some of them are even here in the first place. How sure are you?

Well, you know for a fact that you interrogated your cellmate at least once, probably twice.

She is sitting across from you on her cot.

And it is very awkward.

You suppose you are lucky that you're blind, so you don't know exactly what her expression is, but you can still recognize the torrid scent of fake catnip on her. It couldn't be real catnip because you are pretty sure there is a chance the real stuff can get people high too, so they wouldn't let her have it in prison. But apparently, this cat burglar is so in love with her motif that she couldn't let go of the need to smell like catnip, even after going to prison.

You sigh, releasing the tension in your body. You have a hard time getting angry. These are your just desserts for spitting in the eyes of Lady Justice.

You just wish it wasn't so quiet. Being blind is not a problem normally, but your music got lost in the mail or wasn't allowed or something and now you're very, very bored.

If only you were really a seer, like in your old roleplaying games from when you were a kid. Then you'd be able to peer into the cat burglar's mind and know precisely what she was thinking.

You can't help but cackle at the thought. Y3S, 1 4M R3DGL4R3 4ND YOU C4N K33P NO S3CR3TS FROM TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS! >:]

...

Not even that is enough to keep your spirits up. :[

> Terezi: Be the cat burglar

You are now Nepeta Leijon and you are trying to make the best of a bad situation.

No, you do not want to be here, but you heard that the Demon Prosecutor Pyrope can smell fur –- fear, that is, so you try not to get too nervous.

You can't help but sulk. You've had dreams sunk before, but never like this. You were going to be the next robinhood, the Great Cat Burglar, stealing from the rich to give to... well, to give to yourself, but you were poor, okay? You mean you were poor at first, but... okay, you guess that maybe you should've started on the whole giving to the poor thing since after a few runs you got pretty comfortable. Except at the time YOU didn't think it was ENOUGH. Selfish.

Before you get too down on yourself, though, you remember that there is one thing to be happy about: they allowed you to keep your Dungeons and Dragons stuff! It's all in a big box under your bed and you don't know what you would've done if they had confiscated it though they did take the four sided dice away from you since those were kinda sharp but you at least have the game!

Whew! You shouldn't get out of breath without even talking! To distract yourself from the Demon Prosecutor Pyrope, you pull the box out from under your cot and start setting it up on the floor, getting the dice and figurines out.

"H3Y," Pyrope suddenly speaks up and you freeze. You try to swallow but find that you can't. Instead you just talk.

":33 Nepeta: Be the sweaty prison guard who escorted you in

You are now the prison CHIEF who escorted Nepeta in and you take OFF-ENS-E to that comment about your hygiene! 38(

Your name is FEFERI PEIXES and you are patrolling the hallways of the Suburbia Correctional Facility. You may be Chief of Security but you still patrol because money's tight and there aren't quite enough guards. Besides, it's good to be friendly with the workers! They need to know you care about them, they'll work harder that way.

Admittedly, you do have an ulterior motive for patrolling the place: there are a dozen new inmates who just showed up at the SCF and you consider it your responsibility to see who they are. Of course, you need to do it a little sneakily; you prefer that no inmates REALLY know who is in charge of security at Sburb –- SCF. So you dress up as a guard and patrol.

You are especially proud that your prison... er, your prison SECURITY SYSTEM (sorry Warden!) is housing the infamous Eridan Ampora, ex-kingpin. His lawyers had apparently conducted some legal shenanigans and gotten him out of the FR (The Faustus Reformatory), so now you have the pleasure of keeping him locked up.

You SUR-E WISH that you were the warden. Technically if he were ever to retire you would be automatically bumped up to that position, but nothing seems as though it's about to happen to the Warden as of now. Still, you are, in a sense, the Warden-to-be! Just give it twenty years and he'll have to retire!

 

> Feferi: Be the Warden

You can't BE THE GLUBBING WARDEN because at no point in your life do you ever get promoted to that position!

 

> Feferi: Freak out that you're not going to be the Warden

Why would you do that? What makes you think you'll never be the warden?

Hey, what was that noise?

 

> Feferi: Be the noise

You are now an unthinking vibration in the air, registered by the human brain as --

 

> Be the source of the noise

You are now Karkat Vantas and you sure-fricking-DON'T want to be here.

Right now you're in solitary confinement for "bad behavior," which means you just pointed out VERY KINDLY how numbskulled the warden was for keeping CERTAIN PRISONERS THAT SHALL GO UNNAMED COUGHCOUGH *VRISKA SERKET AND ERIDAN AMPORA* COUGHCOUGH in a minimum security prison instead of MAXI-FRICKIN-MUM security.

Solitary confinement is DARK and STUPID, kind of like YOU for talking back to the FRICKING WARDEN. You guess today was the day you finally screwed EVERYTHING up. And you had thought you couldn't screw it up anymore WELL TOO BAD. ITS BEEN SCREWED AGAIN.

Ugh, you really wish you weren't in this dumb cell. If you at least had one of your romance novels YES IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL TO READ ROMANCE NOVELS you could maybe pass the time reading by the light of that crack under the door, but the a-hole warden didn't even give you that.

It sucks being you again. You wish you were still that other guy. Jake. HE got to live in a nice neighborhood where no one looked down on him for the way he was born but YOU? No, since the day you were born people treated you like dirt for being the son of some crook you never got to meet because he was DEAD BEFORE YOU WERE FRICKING BORN, A-HOLES! Some guy named Kankri, anyway.

But NO! You got caught stealing Jake's identity, but COME ON! It's not like the a-hole NEEDS HIS IDENTITY HE'S FRICKING DEAD!

You figure you're gonna be in here for awhile. Maybe a week if the Doc sticks to his threat. Your cell is probably being given to some other douchebag right this very minute... ):B

 

> Karkat: Be the Doc

WHAT THE HECK?! That was going to be a SEAMLESS transition to another character and you just HAVE to insist on being the DOC, the WARDEN, or WHATEVER HIS NAME REALLY IS?! NO. You are going to be the other douchebag and that is FINAL!

 

> Karkat: Ok, GEEZ, be the Other Douchebag

You are now TAVROS NITRAM and you don't want to be here.

You're still a tEENY BIT, uH, cONFUSED YOU GUESS as to why you're even here. yOU THOUGHT YOU, wELL, dID, tHAT IS TO SAY, a GOOD THING. So why did you still end up in prison?

Your lawyer says that you got a much lighter sentence than her, so you guess it works out, but the thought of being in the same prison gives you pRETTY BAD CHILLS, aNYWAYS.

Well, while the prison is co-ed the cells are not, so if you stay cooped up you should be able to pretty easily avoid her as much as possible. You just hope your cellmate isn't too much like her...

"D --> Here you are, Nitram." The guard has just deposited you in your cell –- and locked you inside with whoever-it's-going-to-be. Why did turning her in lead to so many bad consequences anyway?

"hii." You are jolted into awareness by the voice of your cellmate. He's staring at you from behind a pair of weird sunglasses; one lens is blue and the other is red for some reason? You have no idea. Who knows what he's done to end up in here?

"uHH, hI, i'M TAVROS, tAVROS NITRAM," you stammer out.

"2ollux captor," he says in reply. "what are you iin here for?"

"wELL,,," How exactly do you explain it when you don't completely understand it yourself? "yOU KNOW ABOUT VRISKA? uM, vRISKA SERKET?"

"2erket?" Sollux seems to almost smile when you nod in response. "yeah ii know the name. wa2 two eas2y to hack her computer2. 2he2 been conning people for year2."

"wHAAAT? yOU, kNEW?"

"yeah." Sollux is so lackadaisical about it that you find it very hard to believe. "you 2hould know that ii know 'all the code2. all of them.' two quote her."

"aND, yOU NEVER SAID, aNYTHING?"

"why 2hould ii have? You 2tiill havent explaiined why you mentiioned her."

"iT'S JUST THAT, uHH,,,"

"2piit iit out tavro2 nitram!"

"uHH,,, i'M IN HERE BECAUSE, i WAS HER PARTNER, bUT I TURNED HER, iN,"

"oh." Sollux crosses his arms and his mouth quirks a bit. "well youre lucky ii diidnt turn her iin yeah?"

"wHAT DO YOU MEAN?" Your association with her could've ended sooner if he'd done that!

"YOU turned her iin riight? you got a deal out of iit riight? you get a 2horter 2entence thii2 way."

You're about to say something in protest, but stop. When you think about it he has a point... sort of? You guess? You suppose you should... thank him? This sure feels weird but you can't really think of anything else to say.

"uHHHHH,,, tHANKS, i GUESS?"

"youre welcome TV."

 

> Tavros: Be someone else

uHHH,,, lIKE, wHO?

 

> What? Uhhh....

wEEEELL,,,?

 

> Uhh. You pick!

uMM, nO,

 

> Seriously! Pick anyone!

sTILL NO.

 

> Fine, I choose... um.  
> Tavros: Mention another person

"mOSTLY, i JUST KIND OF wONDER, wHAT MY LAWYER IS UP TO, sINCE, vRISKA IS HERE TOO, yOU KNOW?"

 

> Tavros: Be the lawyer guy

And you were just getting started having a lovely conversation, too...

You are now JOHN EGBERT and you want to be here for the sake of your client but at the same time wish you didn't have to be here because your client shouldn't even be here.

"my client shouldn't even be here! he hasnt done anything to warrant this prison! i mean, hes young enough for a juvenile correctional facitilty, right? and this facility is also the same place housing Vriska Serket! it's not going to be good for him to be around her. look, Doc --"

"Warden. Or, if you must, Doctor."

"sorry. you should get that nameplate fixed. but as i was saying --"

"Mr. Egbert."

"i have forms filled out and arguments written all about it--"

"Mr. Egbert."

"you have every reason in the world--"

"Mr. Egbert."

"to just put Tavros--"

"Mr. Egbert."

"SOMEWHERE ELSE--"

"MR. EGBERT."

You fall silent. Doc -- the Warden, you suppose, is not pleased with you now...

"I assure you that I have thought about this and that I will not be transferring Mr. Nitram to another location, irrespective of your belief that Vriska Serket's presence here will have a negative impact on Mr. Nitram's incarceration --"

"reformation."

"Yes, reformation."

"this isnt just about Tavros Nitram. i dont think itll be good for Vriska Serket either."

"Mr. Egbert I don't really care what you think."

Okay.

That one kind of stung.

"Haa. Haa. Hee. Hee. Hoo. Hoo." He laughs at his own joke which WASN'T EVEN FUNNY...!

"Are you feeling alright, Mr. Egbert?"

"...peachy. Mr. Vanilla Milkshake."

"That stings, Mr. Egbert."

"i work stand-up comedy on the side."

"I can see why it is on the side."

...

That one doesn't deserve an answer.

"goodbye, Doc --"

"Warden."

"i dont really care!"

 

> John: Be Mr. Vanilla Milkshake

... On second thought, that is kind of funny. You could probably stand to go outside more often, develop a tan. But you're addicted to your job, and your job mostly involves controlling the rest of the prison through others while you idle behind a desk.

In case it wasn't clear, yes, you are finally Doc, the Warden, or Whatever-his-name-really-is.

But only through his graciousness.

Which is to say your graciousness.

You do love complimenting yourself.

But all that talk of your nickname does remind you of something you need to take care of...

You reach to the front of your desk and turn your nameplate around so you can see it. You are nearly omniscient as to the goings on within the prison, so you were very surprised when you unexpectedly discovered your nameplate was vandalized nearly a month ago. The surprise unsettled you so much that you still haven't gotten around to fixing it.

The nameplate is supposed to read

WARDEN:  
DOCTOR SCRATCH

(Green is such a nice color, after all.)

But someone (and you will find out who, you could write a ~ath program based off the termination of the search) took a few markers and changed it to

#~#%\\#:  
DOC%#/ SCRATCH

This reveal is TOTALLY a surprise. NO ONE saw it coming.

The vandalism is highly insulting and you don't know what possessed the person to reduce your title to a nickname, but you will find out who it was.

The thought soothes you so much that you think you can laugh.

Haa. Haa.

Hee. Hee.

Hoo. Hoo.

> Doc Scratch: Set prisoners free

"Doc?" Who's that? Besides, you are not stupid, so you recognize the random thought for what it is and cast it out.

Regardless, you have bigger fish to fry, larger irons in larger fires. Just today a dozen new inmates arrived, though only one in particular is of any real interest to you. This is mostly because --

> Warden Scratch: Be the inmate of particular interest

You are now Aradia Megido and you never thought you'd be so happy to be here in your life.

This is probably because you are supposed to be dead.


	2. ENTRY TWO

Entry Two

 

>Aradia Megido: Remember

You don't really want to remember, but you just can't help it. It comes rushing back to you, the guilt and the pain and the 0h please I'm s0rry d0n't d0 this t0 me!

You snap out of it, finding your hands clutching either side of your head. You count your lucky stars that you are alone. Not in solitary confinement, but alone in your cell. Doc Scratch has been gracious enough to send you meals so you don't have to go to the cafeteria. You don't want to. You're supposed to be dead.

You didn't know it'd be this strange to not be dead.

You were transferred to this prison after the botched execution. You remember the start of it. The sedation, so you wouldn't feel pain. That was supposed to be the end of it. Of you.

Except it wasn't. You're not sure how conscious you were, but you remember the pain. Pain. Writhing in your restraints, desperately trying to escape a poison that was in your blood and you couldn't get away, you were just going to die like that, pathetic and weak and in PAIN.

Except you didn't. That is the strangest thing of all. You're not dead. You're alive. Traumatized. But alive.

You are very glad to not be dead. But it still feels very strange.

>Sleep

You've been sleeping a lot lately, but you're not sure what else to do with yourself. Sleep comes very easily. You suppose because it is as close to death as you can get at the moment.

...That was sort of morbid, actually.

You think you'll go to bed.

======>

Hours in the future...

But not too many to be of major consequence.

It is the next morning. The night passed rather uneventfully. So uneventfully, in fact, that you don't even remember it happening.

You hear movement outside your cell. The other prisoners are getting up. Probably for roll call. Then breakfast. Then activities.

You should try to join them this time.

You'd rather sleep some more.

>Aradia: Notice commotion

You do not notice a commotion so much as a kerfuffle. Just outside your cell. You will have to ask Doc Scratch to move you down a few cells again so you can be alone.

There are new inmates at Sburb, it seems. Most are walking past but there is are two who have stopped in front of your now open cell door.

"Heeeeeeeey, Taaaaaaaavroooooooos!!!!!!!!"

"hEY, vRISKA."

There is a woman standing in front of a young man (though he is quivering so much he looks more like a little boy) in a wheelchair, preventing him from going forward. You notice dully the eyepatch on the girl's face, the mowhak on the boy's head.

"wHAT EXACTLY IS IT, tHAT YOU WANT?"

"Nothing really, Taaaaaaaavroooooooos! :::;) Just want8 to send you a little thank you for landing in this pl8ce!!!!!!!!"

"oH, tHAT, i GUESS I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT, cOMING,"

"Oh, noooooooo, Tavros! It 8n't like that at all! I just want to PUSH you a little 8it. I know you can do 8etter than what you are now!!!!!!!!"

"oH NO, vRISKA, i KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING, tO DO AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO, dO IT,"

"Come on, Tavros! Lighten up! With me around you'll 8e the toughest cripple in a wheelchair any inm8 has ever seeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!"

"oKAY VRISKA, tHIS MUCH WEIRD TALKING, iS SILLY EVEN FOR, yOU,"

"Well I always do it for a reason, you know, Tavros! See you at 8reakfaaaaaaaast!!!!!!!! ::::)"

Out of nowhere she grabs the back of Tavros' wheelchair and shoves it backwards, right into your door. Something catches, twists into place, and Vriska is off, cackling the whole way to the cafeteria.

"dANG IT,"

>Tavros: Get unstuck

You are Tavros Nitram again and this is not your day.

You stood up to Vriska a little better than you expected to, in all honesty. Not working with her anymore is like a dream come true.

Of course, when she decided to GRIEF you... there wasn't much you could do about that.

And now you're stuck.

You're going to miss roll call.

And breakfast.

yAAAY???

You keep trying to get your wheelchair out of the cell door but you can't go forward and you can't quite finagle your chair into going backwards either! Nothing works! If you miss roll call your first morning here because of her, you are going to --

Okay, honestly, you probably aren't going to do anything. But you sounded very threatening for at least a second!

>Aradia: Help

You've stared at him struggle from beneath your blanket for long enough. Besides, the bed is crazy uncomfortable.

You stand up and walk towards the door for the first time in... you've been so out of it you don't even remember. But you do it. Tavros notices you and just seems to go "uHHH,,," You guess maybe you should've warned him you were getting up.

Instead you just pry his wheelchair free from the door and start pushing him towards what you are given to understand is the cafeteria.

It looks like you will be joining the others for breakfast today after all.

"uHHH,,, tHANKS?"

"y0ur welc0me."

"}8|"

Maybe you should try to work on sounding more friendly. You haven't really talked much in the last few... while.

You should find a calender.

>Equius: Take roll

Consider it done!

Wait, no, scratch that, don't consider it done because it's not done. Nowhere near that. All the prisoners in your sector are still lining up, and it's starting to become abundantly clear to you that maybe this job is a little trickier than you thought it'd be. There certainly isn't a riot going on, or anything, but they all just seem to be too... chatty.

Instead of just lining up quickly and quietly the way you wish they would, they jabber to each other, Pyrope with Leijon, Serket with Ampora, and Makara with virtually anyone who will listen. They're pushing one another about, laughing, gossiping, glaring at the ones they don't like – nothing about it is like the orderly prison line up it should be like.

"D --> E%cuse me -" You speak up, trying to get their attention. When you glance around to the other doors you can see that most of the other lines are already having their roll call carried out. If you don't move quick the Warden or the one-to-be will notice your inadequacy! "D --> C001d I have your attention, inmates." Still nothing. Now you're getting a bit frustrated...!

"D --> Attention." You clench your hands around the clipboard. This is unacceptable! "D --> Attention I say." Do they think this is high school?

"D --> snrt" They asked for it.

"D --> STAND AT READY FOR ROLL CALL IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER NOW."

Silence. With a few rearrangements of their huddle they're in line. You allow yourself a little smile at your success; you'll keep them all in line just fine if that's all it takes.

>Take roll

There's only about a dozen trolls total, and one's in solitary confinement anyway, so roll passes by fairly quickly. You do notice very easily that one Tavros Nitram is missing.

"D --> Now w001d any of you know why he is not here?" Unfortunately, everyone mostly just gives you confused looks except for Serket, who keeps her too-wide grin plastered all over her face. For a second you think about pressing her about it, but at the last moment...

"excuse us, guard. We ap0l0gize f0r 0ur lateness."

>Aradia Megido: Enter

You've already done that!

You just entered the cafeteria, still wheeling Tavros in. There are already a number of prisoners eating across the room, but everyone you saw walk past your cell is still in line for roll call: evidently it had taken longer than normal for this cell block to get done.

"D --> snrt" The guard draws your attention again but you don't bother looking up. You still feel so hollow, so you just look down at Tavros's head, focusing on pushing him in line where he belongs. "D --> What took the two of you so long?"

"his wheelchair g0t stuck 0n a d00r," You say.

"D --> Hmm..." There is a ruffling of papers... he seems to be checking a list. "D --> I must ap00100gize, but these papers indicate that you are at the wrong roll call." he then says. "D --> You are not on my list, so who e%actly are you?"

You finally raise your head to get a better look at him before answering.

"my name is Aradia Megid0."

>Equius: Respond

You – you - you...

You can't.

What on earth is there to say? You recognize this prisoner, this woman, she is - you – why -

"sir?"

You're the reason this girl died.

>Equius: Flashback

It was only a little over a week ago. You had long been working as an E%ecutor for the Faustus Reformatory and that day was like many others. An inmate who had been on death row for quite some time was, at long last, being sentenced.

(For a moment you forget why Megido does not recognize you. It is because you were wearing a mask when it was done. All of you were.)

The name was Aradia Megido, but that meant nothing. The crime itself was everything, and the crime itself was murder. Practically assassination if the prison documents were anything to go by.

(You realize you never really read those documents properly. You don't know why she did it, who the judge was, what the jury was like. You didn't even think about it.)

Today was judgement day, doomsday, the day when Anubis's scale tipped away from Megido's favor. This has long been your job, ridding the world of criminals and malefactors like her. It will be no different today.

(Why did it all have to be so different that day?)

The five of you entered Megido's chamber and prepared the syringes. You were the one who sedated her initially.

(Everything was supposed to be painless.)

Once she was in the deep sleep, you all injected her with the drug.

(The drug, the poison, you'll never really know if it was you: that's why there were five, to ensure that no one knew who really had the poison. But you can't help but feel like you know who it was, like you know who did it.)

Who would ever know?

(It was you.)

Everything was fine.

(No.)

It was all going according to plan.

(Wrong.)

Nothing (everything) was (went) WRONG!

YOU COULD HEAR HER SCREAMING FROM DOWN THE HALL YOU COULDN'T GET FAR ENOUGH AWAY WHAT WENT WRONG IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SAME AS ALL THE OTHER TIMES SO WHAT WHAT WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG THIS TIME IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE SHE WAS SCREAMING SHE WAS IN PAIN SO WHAT DID  
YOU DO  
WRONG

You don't know. You wish you knew. You never want to find out. It kills you to not know. It's death to try to learn. YOU DON'T KNOW!

But on that day you decided something: no force on earth or heaven would get you to e%ecute another soul again in your life.

That is why you now work here at Sburb as a lowly guard.

The real question, however, is why is she still alive?

>Equius: Return to present

All of a sudden you are aware that you feel very sweaty and that you have probably been staring at Megido for some time.

"Are y0u 0kay?" She's looking up at you with those empty, dead eyes, she wasn't like this before the execution, you saw the photos, what have you done to her and why is she alive?

"D --> I canter quite – neigh, I – that is, I trot you were -" The words catch in your throat, the sweat pours down your face, you can't think while looking at this ghost girl who is supposed to be dead...!

"D --> I hoove to go."

>Abscond

You don't need a second invitation.

Pretty soon, you're galloping down the halls, getting as far away from the cafeteria as you can.


	3. ENTRY THREE

>Nepeta: Worry about guard

You DO worry. You worry like a dog to a bone.

Er, a cat to a bone. Wait, they don't worry bones... um.......

Uh...

Purr?

>Facepalm

Yeah, that metaphor was a pretty epic fail.

But! The bottom line is that you can't help but be a little concerned! He freaked out so much and looked so scared, after all. And it's hard to be mad at him; he's only doing his job and, well, he hasn't done anything against you personally.

>Realize you're all still in line

Wait, yeah... should you just go? The guard left very suddenly and you're kind of hungry...

>Vriska: Just go get food

"Come oooooooon, every8ody!!!!!!!! There 8n't no reason to keep w8ing like this. I don't know a8out all of you, 8ut I'm getting some grub!" You march off, but you stop by Tavros to give him a hard clap on the shoulder and say "Seeeeeeee? I said you could do it and you did!"

"oNLY BECAUSE ARADIA, wAS NICE ENOUGH TO, uH, hELP, mORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR, YOU," Tavros says back, still looking none too pleased. You feign agony and clutch at your heart, throwing yourself away from him.

"Oh, Tavros! That gets me right here!"

"nO, iT DOESN'T," Tavros says. Hmph. No sense of humor, him.

"Fiiiiiiiine. Have it your way, just a safe, 8oring life for a weaky weaky weak person." With a shrug you stalk off. Looks like at this point Tavros might be a lost cause. At the very least you'll have to give him a little space, maybe try a little more subtlety in guiding him to greatness.

But in the meantime........ there's another inmate who you just know could be something incredible.

Just because the Ocean Violets didn't have a presence in Sburb before doesn't mean they can't have one now, right? :::;)

>Eridan: Eat breakfast

While dumb ol' Vriska Serket was busy wasting time by talking to the moron in the wheelchair, you got yourself breakfast like a sensible human being.

You're busy scanning the cafeteria, trying to see if you recognize anyone from the old Ocean Violets, but there isn't anyone. You were the only one whose lawyers got you out of the Furthest Ring. Guess the Ocean Violets were a little too good at what they did.

"Heeeeeeeey, Ampoooooooora! -" Oh look who it is...

"water YOU doin here?" you ask. You certainly didn't give anyone permission to approach you. Back when you ran the Ocean Violets people with twice your age and experience in the city's gang warfare would quiver and beg for permission to talk to you. But here, in Sburb, it's looking like random miscreants like this one-eyed crazy get to wander around as they please. "maybe i talked to you a little bit but i didnt go askin for you to sit here."

"And I 8n't asking you for permission either," Serket shoots back. "I want8 to sit here, so I did! What are you going to do a8out it????????"

"im goin to ignore you vvris," you say. Because you are.

"Aaaaaaaaw, sweet nicknames already?" This has gone on long enough!

"vvris youre reely trying my patience. do you evven know who i am?"

"You're Eridan Ampora, leader of the Ocean Violets and the biggest name in the criminal underworld since since old Lordy English gave up the ghost." You freeze. This so-called spider girl has a little more brains in her head than you gave her credit for.

"thats right vvris," you say, still cautious. You decide to begin on your cereal, let her talk for a whale, scale back on your annoyance. "howw did you fin out so much about me?"

"Come ON, Ampora!" Vriska throws herself back into her seat, clearly exasperated. "Did you not pay attention in government class? Trials are PU8LIC." She then leans forward, right into your face. "I attended all the sessions of yours. Aaaaaaaall of them!"

"wwhat." She went to all the sessions of your trial? "wwhy?"

"'Cause you're famous, Ampora. You've got the chance to really 8e some8ody here at S8ur8," Vriska says. She then motions to the entire cafeteria. "Look around you! Do you know what gangs are operational in S8ur8?"

"no."

"The Midnight Crew and the Felt! That's who! You crushed them like 8ugs outside the prison, you can crush them like 8ugs inside it too!!!!!!!!"

She's... she's right. The When Lord English was still alive, the Felt was the biggest name in town, but he's long dead and the Felt's dying too. And the Midnight Crew was never really anything more than a bunch of really deadly hooligans out to get the Felt. When it came to organized crime...

Ocean Violet was king of the sea.

"youre right vvris." You stand up. You can't sit down for this.

"8n't I always? :::;)"

"ivve got to mako anemone for myself here."

"And I know that you can."

"vvris together wwhale take sburb by STORM! youre my righthand fish vvris! wwith my genius and your knoww howw NOFIN wwhale stop us!"

"That's the spirit, Ampora!"

>Terezi: Eavesdrop

You DO eavesdrop. You eavesdrop like a dog to a bone – ARGH now you're doing it too!

You recognize both Serket and Ampora's names from various case files at the city courthouse. Eridan Ampora was, of course, the kingpin of the notorious Ocean Violet gang. After Lord English's death, he'd filled in the void in the world of crime and become almost as dangerous.

Scratch that, he was nowhere near as dangerous and infinitely more whiney in interrogation. But even you have to admit that Lord English set a high standard. Compared to other crime groups, Ampora's Ocean Violet was very dangerous.

And Serket. You know her all too well.

You're sitting at the table next to theirs, so you've taken the liberty of trying to listen to their conversation. They're already in the middle of it, though, so you seem to have missed the biggest portion of it...

":33 Terezi: Be the dead girl

That's mean. She's not dead. She went through a very traumatic experience only about a week ago for Pete's sake! Just for that you don't get to be the dead girl!

>Be the boy next to the dead girl

... very clever. You win. FOR NOW.

"thank y0u f0r letting me sit with the tw0 0f y0u," Aradia says, nodding towards both you and Tavros.

"iT'S NO PROBLEM, aFTER ALL aRADIA, yOU HELPED ME OUT OF YOUR CELL DOOR,"

"and any friiend of my cellmate ii2 a friiend two me," you add. "or an ally anyway. we can di2cu22 the partiicular2 of thii2 a22ociiatiion later." You decided to keep yourself aloof for now (you didn't get to be an anonymous criminal hacker by being buddy-buddy with everyone, after all), but hey, you've got a long sentence ahead of you. Might as well not spend it alone.

"s0 tavr0s, d0 y0u think y0u will need assisstance dealing with Vriska 0n a daily basis?"

"uHHH,,, nO, i DON'T THINK SO," Tavros says with a shrug. "vRISKA DOESN'T BOTHER ME, aS MUCH AS SHE USED TO AT LEAST, i THINK SHE KNOWS NOW TO, i WOULD SAY, gIVE UP,"

"doe2nt 2eem very liike 2erket two do that," Sollux says while stabbing at some toast with a spork. "hmm. 2eriiou2ly thii2 food doe2 not look 2afe two eat."

"i KNOW, tHE TOAST IS HARD AS, rOCK," Tavros says, nodding at his meal.

"i must c0nfess this is not as appetizing as the f00d that was br0ught t0 my cell."

"fOOD BROUGHT TO YOUR CELL?" Tavros's expression turns quizzical and both he and you look towards Aradia. What's that supposed to mean?

>Aradia: Explain

You suppose you may as well tell them.

"ive been here f0r..." How long? May as well guess. "a few days n0w," you say while staring down at your breakfast tray. "i havent left my cell the wh0le time. i als0 had the cell t0 myself."

"lucky!" Sollux mutters to himself. You ignore him for now.

"i barely left my bed s0 d0c scratch arranged f0r my meals t0 be br0ught t0 my cell."

"bUT, wHAT I MEAN IS, hOW DID YOU GET, wELL, SPECIAL TREATMENT?" Tavros asks the obvious question. You just stay quiet for a long moment, then look up at Sollux.

"that is a very l0ng st0ry."

>Feferi: Discover that Aradia is missing

"Take the food to the prisoner, take the food to the prisoner!" Why in halibut is this YOUR glubbing job? Why does this inmate even GET such special treatment? She doesn't go to the yard, she doesn't go to the rec room, she doesn't go to therapy, she isn't required to obey ANY of the usual rules of your, you mean WARDEN SCRATCH'S prison, and on top of that S)(-E G-ETS BR-EAKFAST IN GLUBBING B----ED?

AND for whatever reason there is in Scratch's head, it's YOUR job to bring it to her. Not some low-level guard, not someone who this job would actually be worthy of, but YOU. The incognito Chief of Security and Warden-to-be. This is the one part of your job you can't help but hate and when you're the warden the first thing you'll do is change Megido's arrangements and take away her stupid special treatment. Why is the Warden even doing this -?

You drop the tray of crumpets, eggs, and milk when you round the corner near Aradia Megido's cell. It's empty.

You are in so much trouble.

>Feferi: Be the Warden

You can't BE THE GLUBBING WARDEN because -

>Never mind, just... NEXT

======>

>Hours into the future...

But fractional ones, so it adds up to a little less than a single one.

>Be the new friend

You're Nepeta Leijon again and you rushed ahead to yours and Terezi's cell to get your Dungeons and Dragons set up. The game is just your FAVFURITE and finding out that the Demon Prosecutor Pyrope loved the game too? AMAZING! You mean, aside from being in prison.

Nya! You can't focus on that. If you do you'll never make it through the sentence. You've got to try and stay PAWSITIVE and, just maybe, you can help Terezi stay positive too, and you'll both make it through prison.

Anyway, you're at the cell and you're getting the game ready. There's no table, so youll have to use the floor but that's alright, and you'll have to be careful with the dice because there's no getting them back if they roll outside the cell, and you'll probably have to try and keep the noise level down since there's other inmates here and...

You can't stop being excited! You're about to start a campgain with the DEMON PROSECUTOR PYROPE of all people!

>Terezi: Arrive

You make it back to yours and Nepeta's cell after a leisurely walk through the prison's hall while being escorted by one of the many guards. You had to wait until after everyone else went ahead, lest you be trampled, but this way Nepeta should have the Dungeons and Dragons game set up by the time you get to the cell.

You can't help but break into a wide grin; here you are, about to start a campaign with the vicious and dangerous Cat Burglar, the Robin Hood of the Modern Age! Even if you had the powers of your Seer of Mind character, you'd never have guessed this would happen.

"H3Y N3P3T4!" You enter the cell, click-clacking your cane ahead of you gently; you'd hate to knock over any figurines, after all.

":33 Terezi: Face the music

You slowly stand up and turn to face the door, forcing a wide grin to your face. You'd recognize that voice anywhere as belonging to Dave Stridenasty. A long collaboration of notes on criminals, comics, raps, and lots more had led to you two being close friends.

But that was before.

>Communicate with the Stridenasty

"D4V3! H4H4! WH4T 4 SURPR1S3 TO S33 YOU H3R3!" You are very desperate to get out of this situation. You try to play it cool but you're not an idiot; you probably look as guilty as the perps in interrogation, probably because you are guilty.

"you and i both know youre not surprised at all." Even though you can't see him you just know Dave is staring at you from behind his shades.

"4H4H4...H4..." You can't even pretend to laugh at this. "TH4TS... TH4TS R1GHT D4V3! YOUR3 PR3TTY CL3V3R -"

"cut the crap pyrope you know why im here."

"... 1 KNOW." That's why you don't want to talk...

"so tell me LADY JUSTICE. why did you do it?" How can you explain why? You turn your head to the ground. You've got shades on too, but you don't even want Dave to see your face.

"YOU KNOW 4S W3LL 4S 1 TH4T TH3Y W3R3 GU1LTY..." You force the words out of your mouth. You feel like you're choking.

"that doesnt matter compared to what you did!" Dave snaps at you and you hear some part of the wall get hit. "i cant believe that you would ever do that! you forged evidence just to get your guilty verdict!"

"1T W4S 1N TH3 N4M3 OF JUST1C3!" you screech back.

"maybe at first but what about the next trial? and the ones after that? did playing by the rules get too BORING for you?" Dave is closer to you or he's talking louder, you're not sure which. "did you do it to live on the edge or something?"

"D4V3, 1 --"

"did you do it so you could improve your win record?"

"STOP 1T, D4V3!"

"did you do it to play god with peoples lives?"

"NO!"

"then tell me WHY?"

"JUST1C3!"

"YOU KNOW THAT ISNT TRUE!" You freeze. Everything you ever did was for justice, but what Dave said... you can't argue with that. You can't. You know you spat in Lady Justice's eyes. Why did you ever...

"terezi you were my friend i TRUSTED you. and you just – what you did –" Dave is struggling with the words now, he's trying to control the fury behind them. "terezi it was your job to stop criminals and it was mine to fix them. but you went from going after the guilty to just going after whoever was in your way. some of them innocent and helpless people. thats just SICK pyrope."

You... you have no answer for that.

>Terezi: Be Nepeta

This is too much for you, you can't handle it. You're Nepeta now.

Except now you have to watch it happen to your best friend! That wasn't exactly a brilliant move.

You need to intervene to help your friend. What exactly should you do?

>Nepeta: Strife!

Nooo, you're already in prison! Getting in a fight with this Dave isn't going to help!

>Nepeta: Strife metaphysically!

You mean like talk? You can handle that. You read his nametag and then interrupt.

":33 X[" Terezi finally lets go of you but you grab onto her shoulders so you can talk to her face. You know she can't see you but she can at least feel your action.

":33 


	4. ENTRY FOUR

>Feferi: Be Panicked

YOU AR-E NOT PANICK------ED!!!!!

Okay, you're a little panicked, but only for good reason! Doc – you mean WARDEN Scratch was very particular about Aradia Megido's imprisonment – you don't know why, you just know that if she goes missing your head follows!

You're searching the prison as thoroughly as you can in such a rush – you have to find Megido and fast!

"Miss Peixes?"

"---E---EK!" You yelp and jump at least a foot into the air. Why?

Doc Scratch is right behind you.

>Feferi: Turn around

NO

"Miss Peixes, I was just walking this way and I could not help but notice your extreme panic. You really should stay calm. It wouldn't do for you to give the prisoners the impression that our guards are all spastic fools, correct?"

You are so glubbing screwed.

You swallow hard, force a smile to your face – you swear he somehow knows everything – and speak.

"Very sorry about t)(at, Warden. Won't )(appen again," you say. Please don't know about Megido's cell, please don't know about Megido's cell...

"Ah, you probably noticed that Miss Megido's cell was empty! Don't worry. She went to breakfast with the other inmates in this block."

"I – w)(at?" He already KNEW? "But – w)(y – )(ow did you -"

"Miss Peixes, you needn't have tried to hide her absence from me. I already knew. And don't smile so hard, you'll give yourself wrinkles."

WHAT.

By the time you get the nerve to turn around, he's gone.

It's like you said – he knows EVERYTHING.

>Feferi: Get out of the way

Get out of the way? Why would you get out of the - 

"D --> Pardon me, e%cuse me, I am e%tremely ap00100getic watch out!"

You flatten yourself against the wall just in time for the blue blur to blast past you.

Whew. Had you been a second too slow that idiot Equius would've flattened you. He's alright, a good lackey and prison guard, but he's awfully... you don't really know. It's probably the way he can't seem to make decisions whenever he's in front of you. He won't leave your office until you give him permission to!

You shake your head and try to compose yourself. At least Equius didn't notice your distress and stop while insisting on helping you. That got old really fast.

>Dave: Get out of the way too

You recognize the sound of hoofbeats – though you're not entirely sure how those sounds get made by human feet. You step to the side of the hallway, flattening yourself against the wall.

A few seconds later, Equius thunders past before smashing nearly headlong into a wall. You glance over to check if he's alright; he turns around, gives you a thumbs up. It looks as though his teeth escaped damage this time. In fact, the wall looks worse for wear.

"you okay zahhak?" you ask, pulling your sunglasses down to get a better look at the crash site. Equius's going to need a new pair of shades, but he'll live.

"D --> Strider..." He's breathing hard and sweating buckets – not exactly new, but it does mean that something's up.

"just breathe man. slow and through the nose." He breathes in so hard he makes snorting noises. "a little gentler man."

"D --> I ap00100gize," Zahhak says as he pulls a small towelette from one of his pockets and wipes at his face. "D --> But if you had e%perienced what I hoove – I am abso100tely certain you w00ld hoove done the very same as I."

"well out with it bro. what was it?"

"D --> Megido is alive."

...

You were worried this would happen eventually. Good thing you're a licensed psychiatrist.

"zahhak do you want to come to my office for a minute?"

"D --> I know that it sounds ridicu100s but I assure you, Strider, that I am in complete control of my fac001ties and that I did not ha100cinate that girl in the cafeteria." Equius crosses his arm and stands up straight, daring you to move him by force.

This complicates things... it'd take the US army to get him to move now... or just someone who was his superior. But you're not.

"look zahhak -" you start to speak, but he cuts you off.

"D --> Turn around, Strider." Turn around? Why on earth would you turn arou -

"excuse me, d0ct0r."

Your glasses fall to the floor.

Standing before you is a young woman with slightly mussed black hair, a red prison uniform, and eyes that look all too hollow.

"you – youre – i -" You swallow hard and tug at your collar. "megido?"

"yes. pard0n me." She slips past you and Equius, on to what you assume to be her cell.

"zahhak?"

"D --> Yes, Strider?"

"we need to talk."

>Kanaya: Watch Aradia go past

Aradia walks past your cell without incident. While the prison guard's reaction to her during breakfast was highly unusual, you are more curious about the woman who is immediately before you: Rose Lalonde.

You sat with Rose during lunch, since she is your cellmate, but she didn't utter a single word to you. Now you are both back in your shared cell, and once again she is not uttering a word. Instead she is completely and utterly absorbed in one of her many tomes.

You sit on the floor by your bed. She sits on the floor by hers.

You watch her. She reads.

There is silence.

So it is quiet.

And, frankly, a little boring.

What will you do?

>Read over Rose's shoulder

Trying not to make a sound, you slide across the cell to Rose's side and crane your neck over her shoulder. She is reading something in an archaic dialect with a number of words that you don't recognize from any language you know.

You get no farther, though, as the book shuts with a snap, revealing the title: Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious.

"You know, Kanaya, I can't tell you how much I love it when you read over my shoulder," Rose says, her face a blank slate giving away no emotions. You fidget, stand, and step over to your bed.

"I Am Sorry, Rose. That Wont Happen Again," you say, turning your face away from her; you're certain you're blushing from embarassment.

"I will miss it." Rose deadpans.

Argh, you were off to a bad start and you haven't made things any better now. You need to reign in your curiosity or Rose will snark at you like this for the whole sentence! You're not sure you could take it.

"Ahem," you clear your throat. "I Believe We Got Off To A Bad Start... And A Bad Moment Just Now. Can We Start Over?"

"Can we?" Rose asks, still sitting on the ground.

"May We?" you correct yourself. Rose pauses, then stands up and extends a hand to shake.

"I don't see why not. My name is Rose Lalonde. In for racketeering, extortion, money laundering, and other crimes associated with consorting with gangs." You take her hand and shake it firmly.

"Kanaya Maryam. In For Illegal Manufacturing And Trafficking Of Weaponry." Rose blinks and her eyes suddenly go wide, but return to their normal state a moment later.

"Kanaya. I see. Oglogoth sends his regards." Rose offers you a sly smirk, but that does not reduce your immediate confusion.

"Who?"

"Oglogoth was his alias. Your weapons were top grade."

"Oh." Now you recognize the name. "One Of Eridans Subordinates?" you ask, just to clarify.

"Indeed."

"Well... Thank You For The Compliment." You nod in what you think is a gracious manner.

"I myself am very partial to the multipurposed knitting needles you designed for us," Rose says.

"You Worked With This – Oglogoth, Was It?" you ask.

"Yes. Rather closely, actually."

"Interesting."

Disconcerting.

>Rose: Psychoanalyze

You DO psychoanalyze. You psychoanalyze like a cat to a -

Ahem. A Freudian slip. It won't happen again.

You repoen your book and sit on the floor once again, but instead of reading you glance above the edge of the cover at Kanaya, who is very pointedly looking outside the cell in an effort to hide her blush.

It would seem she was rather desperate to get on good terms with you and is embarrassed by her utter failure. Apparently she is the type to want to be friendly with others, especially since she immediately used your first name when speaking with you, not even asking permission. It isn't as though you mind the personalness of it.

However, she is a little nosy. She was sifting through your books and actually attempted to read over your shoulder. How irritating. She must be very concerned about what you are reading.

And how she said "Interesting." It is possible that she found your close association with the Ocean Violets – the most notorious gang of the city – to be... unsavory.

Overall, your conclusion would be that she is not trying to irritate you but is merely overly-concerned about the well-being those around her. On the whole, a motherly and perhaps slightly fussy type.

You allow youself a slight smirk. This is all highly unusual.

The motherly type does not fare well in the world of organized crime.

The motherly type does not fare well within the confines of a prison.

How odd it is, then, that Kanaya Maryam, of all people, is here.

In a prison.

Because of organized crime.

Interesting.

>Kanaya: Attempt lighthearted conversation

This staring out of your cell is very boring. You may as well try and fail again.

"So Rose, What Exactly Was It That You Did While Working For Oglogoth?" you ask as casually as possible.

"While working with Oglogoth I spread rainbows and joy to all the children of the world."

In other words: That's private. And I'm busy.

You think you'll stare out the cell a little more.

>Gamzee: hOnK

MoThErFrIcKiN gLaDlY.

"HoNk! :O)"

"wwill you glubbin cuttlefish it OUT?" Ah, the fish-face lying on his cot. If only he wouldn't be such a sourpuss all the frickin time.

"wHy MaN? i'M jUsT tRyInG tO dO wHaT cOmEs NaTuRaLlY tO mE, yOu UnDeRsTaNd, RiIiGhT, bRo?" You send a smile his way, but he only grimaces.

"no. i dont understand an i dont wwant to understand. youre glubbin TERRIFYIN." Fish-Face says.

"HeEeEy, i AiN't TrYiNg To ScArE yOu, BrO," you say and offer a shrug of apology. "i'M mOtHeRfRiCkIn SoRrY iF tHaT hElPs, BuT iT's JuSt WhAt I fEeL lIkE i OuGhTa Do. YoU fEeL mE? ;O)"

"wwhat wwould help is you glubbin like a sane fella, okay?" Fish-Face then grunts and rolls over on his cot, looking for a more comfortable position. It'd take a miracle to find one.

"well i guess i could talk like this..." you say, forcing your words straight and solid. Fish-Face bolts upright, happiness coloring his eyes like another one of those miracles. "but it just don't frickin feel right, bro. NoW tHiS," you say as you relax your voice after the strain. "tHiS iS rIgHt."

"ARGH!" Heh-heh. Fish-Face just slammed his head into the pillows. He's such a laugh.

HoNk! :O)

>Eridan: Mope

WWHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE DOING?

>Feferi: Make rounds

You've finally calmed down after Warden Scratch freaked you out of your mind. There are still rounds to be done, halls to patrol, and since breakfast ended only a while ago you'd better check to make sure everyone is where they're supposed to be. This time when you walked past Megido's cell she was there, sitting on her cot instead of lying under the sheets.

All else seems to be in order; Captor's whining about not having a computer, Harley is trying to ignore Serket, and Maryam looks as red as a strawberry from embarrassment. You can't help but smile at that, because she looks so ridiculous!

"just SHUT UP clowwn!"

"mOtHeRfRiCkIn HoOoOoNk!!!"

Ugh, not another fight. You hate it when cellmates don't get along because Warden Scratch always refuses to separate people unless he decides to do it.

Yeejz. Just thinking about the time he stuck Noir and Clover in the same cell is enough to make you shudder. You have no idea how Clover got so darn lucky, but you swear you nearly had a heart attack every time you walked past their cell and saw Slick make another attempt on Clover's life. It was a month before Warden Scratch finally decided to move Slick to whole other cell block.

But back to the present dilemma. You step past a couple more cells – nothing strange going on in Pyrope and Leijon's – and find yourself in front of Makara and Ampora's cell. Makara is juggling his plastic bowling pins and has a grin the size of Jupiter sprawling across his face while Ampora is cowering on his cot, a pillow held over his ears.

"hOnK hOnK hOnk!" Makara is... literally honking? You're not even sure how that wackjob does it.

"quit it clowwn! JUST STOP!" Ampora is screaming. By now other prisoners must be noticing.

"H3Y, K33P 1T DOWN!" There's Pyrope.

"yeah youre makiing too much noii2e!"

"who IS that?"

"Haaaaaaaa! Eridan, you're roomed with Gamzee, 8n't you?"

"-EV-ERYON-E B-E QUI------ET!!!!"

Silence.

Thank cod.

You turn towards Makara and Ampora's cell. Ampora has a look of utter gratitude. Makara really must've been driving him nuts.

"Ampora, cod you come with me?" you ask. Immediately the gratitude changes to rage.

"WWHAT? but i didnt glubbin do anyfin i -"

"AMPORA."

He shudders, swallows hard, but gets up and walks to the cell door. You unlock it and take him by the arm, and then close the cell, making sure it's secure.

"Now come on," you say, urging him down the hall. He resists for only a second, but then complies, walking down the hall with you.

You traverse the prison for some time until you come to your office door, emblazoned with the words: CHIEF OF SECURITY

"youre the -" Ampora starts but does not end. You guide him inside.

Once inside you lock the door and sit yourself down at your desk. Ampora nervously stays standing.

"Go a)(ead and sit down," you say, pointing at the chair in front of the desk.

"excuse me, but," Ampora fidgets, stumbling on the words. "im not shore howw to ask this, but – am i in trouble or somefin?"

"No, not at all," you explain.

"then – then wwhy am i evven in here?" he asks, now very confused, as he sits down.

"I glubbing )(ate Makara too." Ampora blinks and is silent for a second, then breaks into a smile.

"so you wwere just rescuin me, i guess?"

"Yep!" You smile and then continue. "Now I can't, strictly, move you to a new cell, but I can take you )(ere for 'dolp)(inplinary action' if and when I t)(ink I need to. Does t)(at work for you?"

"you mean just let you knoww if makaras drivvin me nuts and youll fish me otter there?"

"T)(at's t)(e gist of it," you say. "O)(, one more t)(ing. Don't go spreading it that I'm the C)(ief of Security. I'm trying to stay incognito."

"wwhy?" You shrug.

"It's more fun t)(at way. Anyfin moray?"

"oh. uh, no."

Silence falls upon the both of you as you get started on some paperwork. Then,

"so you pike fish puns too?"


End file.
